Some Erzulliestas requested that I posted this all in one go. It was broken into 3 parts, as I thought it would be too long. But, hey, you ladies are the boss. So, here it is.
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What Aries? That’s confusing!
I know. Let me clear that up for you.
When you are in a relationship, specifically if it has been more than half a decade, you may find yourself stuck or molded in a way that has become so strange to you. If you’re like me (and hopefully, there are other women who are like me), you are the type of woman that provides so much for your partner that you adapt yourself to his/her needs.
I am like that. I like to provide money, time, effort, love, support etc. Anything (well almost) that my partner or anyone that I love needs or even want.
But that’s wrong. I will tell you right now.
You see my previously debunked philosophy is like this: if I provide people for what they love and need, then they will give me the love, effort and commitment that is equal to or even greater than what I have given or expected.
That’s the most selfish and untruthful logic I have ever created in my whole life. Not only was it subtle emotional blackmail, but I was setting myself up to heartaches way before the relationship has started.
So, back to my partner. I met my current love. Lo and behold, he is a better provider than me. He earns more money, gives more patience, has the most sincere and pure intentions. He is so much better of a provider than me, he already bought it, sent it and gave it --- EVEN BEFORE I even knew that I wanted it.
It took time before I got used to it. I mean, I’m a provider. I am the one who provides. I don’t take. I give. But with the kindness and patience of my partner, my stance softened. Until I have allowed my partner to provide for me so much, I have lost my identity when he cannot provide anymore. Not that he can’t, he could --- it’s just that I don’t know what was missing. And if I can’t tell him what was missing --- how can he provide it for me?
Needless to say, I became really unhappy about myself. It came to a point that I am so dependent on my partner that when he is gone, I don’t know what to do with myself.
I become restless. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to do. I get depressed and frustrated. What was going on with me? I don’t understand. I became --- needy.
And to satisfy my needy side, what did I do? I turned to self-help books and became a self-help junkie for a while. I have read so many books and inspirations that I was going to explode, if I read and absorb one more. But what’s worse is that, the more I read, the more I got confused. The more I got confused, the more I got angry. For short, it got me nowhere.
Then came that faithful day.
I am at that point where all of my resources physical, emotional, rational, spiritual etc. are all given to other people and situations but me. I was yelling internally. I am in danger. I have nothing now! What am I going to do?
My initial reaction? Let’s provide to others more. Maybe they will give us the resources we need.
Big mistake. I wasn’t able to one day and I disappointed someone. I would always remember what she told me, “next time, if you commit to something, commit to it.”
I SNAPPED.
I walked out of the room and went down to the kitchen. And as I was cleaning up the dishes and slamming them to the sink, it occurred to me --- “no amount of love, commitment or effort can make anyone love or stay with me.”
Bitter. Dark. I know. But somehow that thought liberated me.
I have realized that all of the sadness and bitter situations that I am encountering right now is my fault. All of it because I give and give and give and give --- and then expect that they will give it back. Truth is, it never happens that way. Why? Because we have no control over anyone else but us.
What did this leave me? Disappointments, emptiness, depletion and insecurity.
And so, this wisdom was born: “no amount of love, commitment or effort can make anyone love or stay with me. So might as well do what I want.” This epiphany liberated me. I don’t have to provide for these people anymore because no matter what I do, they will never love me as much as I love them. With that, this was added: “so might as well give that all to myself.”.
“Give all of that juicy love to myself.” That was my new thought. That was my new rule. At that point, it wasn’t yet clear to me. I don’t know how will this affect my relationships or my way of living.
The person who gave me this kind of epiphany, apologized to me for being demanding. I forgave the person, of course, but silently vowed to myself that from now on, I will be committing myself to self-love, power and dignity. I will regain all that was lost to me. I vowed to fill myself to the brim with love, beauty, power and prosperity. I will be my own champion.
It was at that moment that I knew that I have to learn HOW TO BE SINGLE, WHILE BEING TAKEN.
Which then begs the first question --- “Where the fuck do I start?”
I asked myself, “Okay, what do you want?” I replied, “Megamall!”
So, I went there and shopped around. Then, when I was about to go home, I opened my phone and there was no signal. I panicked. How am I going to order a car now?
My mind was raising. Immediately, this thought came to mind: “I can just ask my man to pick me up here. I will just wait for him here.”
But he was going to the gym. It will take him 6 hours before I get picked up and I wanted to go to Tiendesitas because it has been a while since I have gone there. Then I yelled in my mind: “But I don’t have a signal! What am I going to do?”
I prayed. I prayed that there would be a signal and a car would be ordered, but it didn’t happen. I got frustrated even more. Until, I have realized something. I saw this in The Walking Dead. Father Gabriel grabbed his machete and one of the town people asked him where he was going. “We are all praying to the Lord to save our town. Well God has answered our prayers. He has given us courage to save ourselves.”
“I need to save myself.” I said to myself.
“But I will have to walk. Someone might rob me out there.” I feared.
“Do you want me to provide for you?” I said to myself.
“Yes.” I replied.
“Good. Let’s go.” Metaphorically, I grabbed my own hand and led myself to Starbucks Pearl Drive. Nothing happened to me. I was safe. Everyone ignored me. I was right. I fulfilled a promise that I gave to myself --- I provided for me. I was my own champion.
“Self-reliance, bitch.” I said with pride, as I have found better reception, ordered a car and waited in a clean, safe and air-conditioned area.
I have realized that I have found my one true love. My perfect match. I have been looking for other people to fill the gaps that I have lost because I was giving too much, when all that I really needed was to look inside of me. I fell in love with myself and I am going to be one of the most annoying power couple ever.
Fast forward, my day ended perfectly. I have finally found someone who will shower me with all the love and affection in the world --- me. Me, on the other hand, found the provider that she has always wanted --- still me.
And I am perfect for myself. The more I provided for myself, the more I loved myself, which pleased me. And the more that I loved myself, the more motivation I got to provide for me. I became more self-reliant, confident and fulfilled. It was a win-win situation.
It was at this moment that I have found the ultimate meaning of self-love for me. It was about self-reliance and satisfying yourself with yourself. And I am going to tell you one thing --- this has vastly improved my relationships with other people. I no longer depended on them to fulfill the emptiness that I have felt inside. I was happier and the less expectations that I have of my partner, friends or family, the less disappointments I get. And the less disappointments that I have of them, the more space that I have in my brain and heart to enjoy their company rather than wondering when they are going to repay me.
I was free form the pressure of giving everything to everyone and I was finally free to supply myself with everything. And from that was born the greatest relationship that I will ever get or need in this lifetime.
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