From PART II...
I am at that point where all of my resources physical, emotional, rational, spiritual etc. are all given to other people and situations but me. I was yelling internally. I am in danger. I have nothing now! What am I going to do? ... I SNAPPED... It was at that moment that I knew that I have to learn HOW TO BE SINGLE, WHILE BEING TAKEN. Which then begs the first question --- “Where the fuck do I start?”
I asked myself, “Okay, what do you want?” I replied, “Megamall!”
So, I went there and shopped around. Then, when I was about to go home, I opened my phone and there was no signal. I panicked. How am I going to order a car now?
My mind was raising. Immediately, this thought came to mind: “I can just ask my man to pick me up here. I will just wait for him here.”
But he was going to the gym. It will take him 6 hours before I get picked up and I wanted to go to Tiendesitas because it has been a while since I have gone there. Then I yelled in my mind: “But I don’t have a signal! What am I going to do?”
I prayed. I prayed that there would be a signal and a car would be ordered, but it didn’t happen. I got frustrated even more. Until, I have realized something. I saw this in The Walking Dead. Father Gabriel grabbed his machete and one of the town people asked him where he was going. “We are all praying to the Lord to save our town. Well God has answered our prayers. He has given us courage to save ourselves.”
“I need to save myself.” I said to myself.
“But I will have to walk. Someone might rob me out there.” I feared.
“Do you want me to provide for you?” I said to myself.
“Yes.” I replied.
“Good. Let’s go.” Metaphorically, I grabbed my own hand and led myself to Starbucks Pearl Drive. Nothing happened to me. I was safe. Everyone ignored me. I was right. I fulfilled a promise that I gave to myself --- I provided for me. I was my own champion.
“Self-reliance, bitch.” I said with pride, as I have found better reception, ordered a car and waited in a clean, safe and air-conditioned area.
I have realized that I have found my one true love. My perfect match. I have been looking for other people to fill the gaps that I have lost because I was giving too much, when all that I really needed was to look inside of me. I fell in love with myself and I am going to be one of the most annoying power couple ever.
Fast forward, my day ended perfectly. I have finally found someone who will shower me with all the love and affection in the world --- me. Me, on the other hand, found the provider that she has always wanted --- still me.
And I am perfect for myself. The more I provided for myself, the more I loved myself, which pleased me. And the more that I loved myself, the more motivation I got to provide for me. I became more self-reliant, confident and fulfilled. It was a win-win situation.
It was at this moment that I have found the ultimate meaning of self-love for me. It was about self-reliance and satisfying yourself with yourself. And I am going to tell you one thing --- this has vastly improved my relationships with other people. I no longer depended on them to fulfill the emptiness that I have felt inside. I was happier and the less expectations that I have of my partner, friends or family, the less disappointments I get. And the less disappointments that I have of them, the more space that I have in my brain and heart to enjoy their company rather than wondering when they are going to repay me.
I was free form the pressure of giving everything to everyone and I was finally free to supply myself with everything. And from that was born the greatest relationship that I will ever get or need in this lifetime.
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