Guess what, ladies? I have found myself in love. I have found myself the greatest provider of my needs, a lover that knows the allure of privacy and above all a soul mate that knows me all throughout --- it’s me!
And just like any other couple, Holy Week was upon us at that time and we were busy planning on how to spend it. Then I came up with this idea. I was going to design my ideal life.
I won’t be pressuring myself to achieve it. It’s just nice to know what I want and how I would like my life to look like in years to come. I slept with great anticipation.
Then morning came and I felt like there was a dagger plunged into my heart --- “What if I don’t make it happen?”
Disappointment hit me like a heavy brown brick. I couldn’t talk back to that voice. I was immediately defeated and because of that my Holy Week plans came to a complete stop and my love affair with myself.
So much for that.
But I wasn’t going to give up easily. I wanted to revive that honeymoon phase. I dated myself. Wrote myself love letters. Continuously followed my bliss. But weeks have passed and still I haven’t been able to get it back. I just can’t get down and start making that ideal life scrapbook that I so deserve.
Whenever I would get down to it, I always end up thinking that it was more plausible that I become one of those broke ass, fully-capable-of-working-though women rather than being a high end, stiletto-wearing, power house kind of a woman.
Then it hit me --- how come it is easier for me to think of the worst endings than the good ones? Even more important, why do I come up with things that I know would definitely stop me from doing what's best for me?
It's called "self-sabotage", Aries. Look it up.
Days passed by and of all the places to have an epiphany --- I was at the kitchen. I just gave my nails a manicure and spa treatment and yet I was scrubbing the kitchen tiles. I wanted the tiles clean. It was bothering me so I did it. In fact, I want it so much that I was willing to sacrifice my freshly spoiled manicure.
Then came the epiphany: I wanted the Kitchen tiles to be clean a specific way that I didn’t mind the sacrifice of my newly cleaned hands. And this is not the first time. I have done this in various situations.
I wanted to be a plus size fashion designer so much that I quit my stable job and pursued it. Hence, Erzullie was born.
I wanted to make amazing, high fashion photos for Erzullie, so I learned as much as I can through youtube, watching other photographers and reading books.
I wanted to solidify Erzullie’s fierce plus size fashion image so much that I ended up reading marketing books even though my specialty was just plain economics.
I have realized that if you want something really bad, no amount of bad can make you feel bad about it. You don’t care. You will do it anyway. Because you want it. You will do it. Whatever the outcome may be.
And so it was clear --- the dagger was plunged into my heart to test me --- do I really want that future bad enough even if there are a lot of bad stuff that was going to stop me from getting it?
I looked at the clean tiles that I just did. I saw my 30 year old beautiful self an said, “Yes. Because I do deserve clean tiles."
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Erzullie is a fierce plus size fashion designer brand from the Philippines dedicated to serving the style of the empowered Erzulliesta. Shop online: www.erzullie.com
