From PART I...
Needless to say, I became really unhappy about myself. It came to a point that I am so dependent on my partner that when he is gone, I don’t know what to do with myself... Then came that faithful day.
I am at that point where all of my resources physical, emotional, rational, spiritual etc. are all given to other people and situations but me. I was yelling internally. I am in danger. I have nothing now! What am I going to do?
My initial reaction? Let’s provide to others more. Maybe they will give us the resources we need.
Big mistake. I wasn’t able to one day and I disappointed someone. I would always remember what she told me, “next time, if you commit to something, commit to it.”
I SNAPPED.
I walked out of the room and went down to the kitchen. And as I was cleaning up the dishes and slamming them to the sink, it occurred to me --- “no amount of love, commitment or effort can make anyone love or stay with me.”
Bitter. Dark. I know. But somehow that thought liberated me.
I have realized that all of the sadness and bitter situations that I am encountering right now is my fault. All of it because I give and give and give and give --- and then expect that they will give it back. Truth is, it never happens that way. Why? Because we have no control over anyone else but us.
What did this leave me? Disappointments, emptiness, depletion and insecurity.
And so, this wisdom was born: “no amount of love, commitment or effort can make anyone love or stay with me. So might as well do what I want.” This epiphany liberated me. I don’t have to provide for these people anymore because no matter what I do, they will never love me as much as I love them. With that, this was added: “so might as well give that all to myself.”.
“Give all of that juicy love to myself.” That was my new thought. That was my new rule. At that point, it wasn’t yet clear to me. I don’t know how will this affect my relationships or my way of living.
The person who gave me this kind of epiphany, apologized to me for being demanding. I forgave the person, of course, but silently vowed to myself that from now on, I will be committing myself to self-love, power and dignity. I will regain all that was lost to me. I vowed to fill myself to the brim with love, beauty, power and prosperity. I will be my own champion.
It was at that moment that I knew that I have to learn HOW TO BE SINGLE, WHILE BEING TAKEN.
Which then begs the first question --- “Where the fuck do I start?”
(TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK...)
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